WE ARE ADDICTED TO COMPLAINING

By Michael Jeffreys


As a species we are addicted to complaining. Have you noticed this? Unlike animals, complaining seems so natural to human beings that we continually engage in it without much thought.


We learned to complain when we were young children and haven’t stopped since. We picked up the habit from our parents who in turn picked it up from their parents. And we are passing it on to our children who will then pass it on to their children. Society is built on complaining… practically everyone does it pretty much nonstop.


This doesn’t mean you can’t ask the cashier at Ralph’s to remove the extra item he inadvertently charged you for. It just means you have no interest in complaining about it to him or yourself. You simply ask for what what you want, sans complaining.

For many, they don’t know how to ask for what they want without complaining, as if you can’t do the one without the other. Complaining is so ingrained in us, so part of the apparent human condition, that to not be able to complain almost feels wrong. Complaining has become our identity. Who would I be without my complaints?
And yet it’s this compulsive need to complain that keeps us stuck in a perpetually unfulfilled life. How can we love life if we are constantly complaining about it? The answer is we can’t. We can’t be truly free until we are free from complaining… about anything.


GOING DEEPER… REALIZING THE ONE COMPLAINING IS NOT THE REAL YOU

1. It’s the ego that complains, not your true nature


The addiction to complaining is a lot easier to give up when you understand that You are actually never the one that’s complaining, but rather it’s your ego. And yet just about everyone mistakes themselves for their ego, which is why we get defensive whenever we feel attacked or threatened psychologically. To the ego, every disagreement feels like life and death. As a result, it’s constantly on guard to prevent being taken advantage of and reacts to the slightest perceived threat, real or imagined. It feels threatened by anyone who holds a view in opposition to its own and gravitates towards like minded egos so as to make itself feel better about its position.

To be clear, you are not your ego. You have an ego, but it is not you just like you have a car, but you are not your car. 2. Ego’s maintain the illusion of being separate by believing that they are special

Realize that the Beingness in another person is actually the exact same Beingness in you for the simple reason that there is only One Beingness. It’s what gives life to every creature on Earth as well as what that creature is made out of, since there is only Beinginess. Thus, no Beingness is any more or less special than any other Beingness. But don’t try telling this to your ego, as the ego is built on specialness, i.,e, “I am more special than him, but less special than her.” The compulsion to feel greater or lesser than is what keeps us stuck in the illusion of separation. 3. What’s behind every ego is your true nature: unbounded, formless Awareness

You are what is aware of everything, of which your ego is simply one aspect. You are aware of your body. You are aware of thoughts. You are aware of feelings. You are aware of moods. You are aware of sounds. You are aware of images, both interior and exterior. I.e., you are aware of every experience you have.

Awakening is deeply realizing, to the core of your being, that your true nature is Awareness and NOT the objects you’re aware of. Having realized this directly for yourself, you then simply practice resting as this formless/boundless Awareness every moment, rather than as a time bound ego, which was born and will one day die.

Note that at first, you will find yourself getting caught up in the ego time and time again. This is normal. The key is to not give up. Once you realize that you’re not your ego, and never were, you keep letting go of your old conditioned patterns allowing them to dissolve. Over time, they begin to thin out, and peace and happiness that isn’t dependent upon anything or anyone will become more and more your direct experience.

As your energy shifts to loving Awareness, you’ll find your interactions with other people becoming more harmonious. This is something I saw in my own life. The clearer I became, the smoother my interactions with others became because I was no longer attached to the results. Rather, I was more interested in what works for all parties. While the ego is ME focused, Awareness is WE focused. How can we make this a win-win?

When you come from this energy, you will find that others will tend to reflect it back. And if someone is sharp with you, your compassion for their suffering will compel you not to add to it. Remember, complaining is for the ego and that is not what you inherently are.

What would it be like to go one day without complaining inwardly or outwardly about anything? What would it be like to go one hour without complaining inwardly or outwardly about anything? What would it be like to go one minute without complaining inwardly or outwardly about anything?What would it be like to live a complaint free life? Heaven on Earth.

MICHAEL JEFFREYS has been the organizer/host of the West LA weekly Satsang (https://www.meetup.com/westlasatsang/ ) for the last 5 years which is for those serious about Awakening to their true timeless nature, which remains covered up when we are identified with our ego. His Awakening blog can be found at: https://michaeljeffreys.wordpress.com/ And his Awakening Community on facebook, with over 3,800 members, is at: https://www.facebook.com/groups/415496431893041/

"Working with Dan has been nothing short of transformational. His open heart, honesty about his personal experience and permission to be real and not hide have helped me unlock those qualities in myself. And that has been a total game changer. I've been truly blessed, not only to have him as my KI Facilitator, but also as my mentor. Without a doubt, working with him has helped me to show up authentically, helped sharpen my tools and made me a better facilitator than I would've been on my own. I can't recommend him enough."
Darby Totten
Certified KI Facilitator

Dan McLintock is a Certified Facilitator, Trainer and the Co-Developer of the Kiloby Inquiries method/approach the New Model of Recovery along w Scott Kiloby. 

A Jacksonville, Florida native, Dan graduated Flagler College in 2004 with B.A. in Theatre Arts and English Literature and has played music professionally in bands for over 20 years. But his true passion lies in sharing the context, possibility and practicality of healing, awakening and release. 

Dan has worked one-on-one with clients in and out of the Kiloby Center since 2017 and has an unconditionally loving and earnest approach to healing trauma, dissolving the drivers of addiction/suffering and unhooking long-held toxic beliefs about ourselves, others and the world at large. 

He’s also worked intensively, side-by-side with Scott Kiloby for the past three years to develop the transformative tools of the Kiloby Inquiries as well as the principles and approach of the “New Model of Recovery” rooted in unconditional love and non-judgment. Much of this approach was borne out of Scott and Dan’s work with each other on their own personal traumas as well as their work with clients at the Kiloby Center. 

Scott and Dan have simplified, demystified and condensed some of the principles and practices of eastern/non-dual spirituality into an easily accessible set of tools most anyone can understand, learn and utilize to free themselves from their own suffering. 

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A clarity call is a free 30-minute introductory call with a Certified KI Facilitator. During a clarity call, you can ask any questions you have about KI and see whether a particular facilitator is a good fit for you.

To book a clarity call, select your preferred facilitator (hover over their picture and click the “Meet” button). Then, enter your email and click “Book Your Call.” From there, you’ll be able to select your preferred date and time and schedule your clarity call (please double-check your time zone before booking).

Valerie Vinger is a thriving survivor of life’s painful challenges and growth opportunities. She has worked with 12-step programs and is currently a 13-year stage-III cancer survivor. Her cancer recovery journey started with the traditional “cut, poison, burn” approach but eventually led her down a natural path to healing her body, her pain and suffering, and her buried emotions.

Valerie first stumbled upon Scott Kiloby at a workshop of his in Boulder, Colorado in 2012, which she says is one of the most transformative experiences she’s ever had. She is filled with gratitude for the person she has become through her journey with cancer recovery and with the Inquiries, which she describes as “coming home to myself.” She loves working with people who are ready for relief from their pain and suffering.

Julianne Eanniello is a Certified Trainer and Facilitator of both the Kiloby Inquiries and the Unfindability Inquiries (formerly called the Living Inquiries). She is also a Certified TRE Practitioner, and the developer of the somatic movement process called Natural Flow Movement. She works with clients all over the world on virtually any topic, including spiritual seeking, stress, anxiety, depression, pain and health related issues, traumatic experiences, repression, relationship issues, and general unhappiness with ourselves and our lives. She does this through online sessions, deepening courses, workshops and facilitator certification training.

About Julianne:

For most of my life I’ve wondered who I am and why I am here. As I was growing up, no one else seemed to be talking about these things, or even thinking about them, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to fit in the way I was “supposed” to, all the while feeling like there was something desperately wrong with me and that I needed to fix it.

In my early thirties, the death of a young relative left me feeling hopeless and helpless, wondering what is the point of life if we’re all just going to die anyway? This launched me on a search. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, I just knew that there was a longing – a desperate longing for something that actually made sense about life. I learned several alternative spiritual and healing techniques. I meditated. I read books and watched videos. I eventually learned of non-duality teachings, and I read more books, watched more videos, and even sat with several ‘awakened’ teachers. Yet I was still searching, something still felt missing. I was looking for the key that would unlock the mystery of me and of life.

In my early forties, I developed a chronic health condition that left me unable to work for several years, and most days barely able to get out of bed due to extreme fatigue, brain fog and pain. I lost my banking job, and eventually lost my home. I saw a multitude of doctors to try to find out what was wrong with me, and used every tool in my metaphysical and alternative medicine toolkit to try to heal myself. My seeking became even more intense, and I was looking for a way to escape my pain.

In 2009, I met Scott Kiloby. Since I started working with him and doing the Living Inquiries, the seeking for enlightenment has stopped, and the question of ‘who am I’ is no longer relevant. My victim stories around my health started falling away. Once I started looking at my experience through inquiry, everything changed. I stopped chasing something ‘out there.’ I no longer seek some future state of happiness or peace. This is not to say that I don’t have problems, or ever experience pain. Quite the contrary. I still use the inquiries regularly, and now there is much less avoidance or resistance to what I’m experiencing. I experience more and more freedom in the present moment, exactly as it appears.

Having trained with Scott, I was one of the first to be certified as a Senior Living Inquiries Facilitator and Trainer in early 2012. In 2014, I moved to CA and became a business partner with Scott at The Kiloby Center for Recovery, where we worked with people suffering from addiction, anxiety, depression and more for the next 8 years.

I can’t imagine my life without these inquiries. They saved me from myself. If you are still suffering, searching, longing… I encourage you to give this a try.

As a young child I saw a picture of Jesus gazing lovingly at some children around his feet. I immediately longed for the unconditional love I saw in his gaze. At the same time, I was being read fairy tales, like Cinderella, and came to believe that romantic love would satisfy that longing for love.

So, I married my handsome prince at age 19. But then, by age 29, I found myself alone, as a single mother, with four young children. I was devastated and convinced that something was terribly wrong with me, to have ended up in such a predicament. 

I had learned to love and please others, but not how to love and respect myself. I was a “good girl,” and repressed my urges to have my own needs acknowledged and met. A wise teacher later told me, “We need to love everyone, including ourselves.” This was an amazing revelation for me!

Learning to meditate helped immensely to bring moments of peace, while I was sitting still, though I was still being triggered regularly in my relationships. Finally, the Kiloby Inquiries taught me how to turn my attention inside in daily life – towards the trapped thoughts and emotions I’d been running from – so that I could face and release them. It was like some tender, lost children began coming home, to take their rightful place in my inner world. 

I am honored and excited to be able to facilitate these wonderful inquiries for others.

Sumitra lives on the Hawaiian island of Kauai with some of her family. She has four grown children and six grandchildren. For many years she lived and worked in a yoga retreat community in California, and has taught yoga, meditation and Compassionate Communication in addition to facilitating the tools of the Kiloby Inquiries (since 2013).

Sumitra also loves working with couples and others with relationship challenges in a simple (though not always easy) deep listening practice that allows each person to be truly heard and acknowledged.

Alina is a certified KI facilitator & a founder of Presence Alchemy – An advance mindfulness platform dedicated to liberating suffering & limiting core beliefs through Kiloby Inquiries & non-dual awareness. Presence Alchemy was born eight years into Alina’s embodiment journey of an inner shift from ego to wakefulness. Alina works one-on-one with clients, hosts online intensives and training, and organizes local retreats & workshops.
Alec Rodrigues has been certified to facilitate inquiry since 2015 and brings a keen sense of intuition to his work. He believes that in connection, the deepest healing takes place, that the mirror of relationship is the best crucible for transformation. Through rest and inquiry, Alec has found the empowerment to meet others authentically and stop running so damn fast from the seeming “ordinariness” of life.

He currently lives in Washington state with his girlfriend and works as a training assistant for the KI Personal Mentorship Program, where he empowers enrollees by teaching them the KI tools.