Accepting blame for harm or upset we haven’t caused (which is just one of many survival strategies children innocently learn in order to “take care of” and stay bonded to unconscious caregivers) actually enables the blamer to stay stuck in the core belief that drives victim consciousness; “others are responsible for my pain.”
Because we as young children are so innocent and impressionable, it’s sometimes easier / less painful for us to believe that our parents, older siblings or anyone else in positions of authority’s triggers, upsets, attacks, punishments and rules mean something about us than it is to recognize that none of it is personal.
Of course there are situations where our actions or lack of action can cause mental, emotional, financial, spiritual or physical harm to another, and in these cases amends or repair are / is called for, but unwarranted guilt (aka programmed self-hatred) is another story.
The core beliefs / identities of either “I’m responsible for others pain” and / or “Others are responsible for mine” and the repressed emotions like anger and hurt that underlie them are the glue that keep us experiencing ourselves as victims and / or abusers and trauma bonded to others who live in that negative dualistic fantasy where ‘top-downing’ or ‘bottom-upping’ are the only options we have in relationship.
This insidious guilt programming is a large part of how children become programmed to unconsciously martyr themselves.
We learn early on that we have to “suffer along with” to be connected to and protected by our traumatized and suffering caregivers – and this can take some serious work to climb out of later in life.
Anthony DeMello radically writes;
“Get your soul ready for a shock. Here it comes. I say it just like it is; I’m going to lob the bomb right into your midst. Listen to this:
Nothing in reality, nothing in life, nothing in the world, upsets you. Nothing has the power to upset you. Did anyone tell you that? All upset exists in you, not in reality. You can underline the word all. All of it. All of it. All of it.
All upset is in you, not in life. Not in reality. Not in the world. It’s in you.
Just understanding this has changed the lives of people, I mean, 180 degrees. Just understanding this, and no more. Reality is not upsetting.”
So if we look at suffering (or upset) itself as the most widely abused and readily available ‘drug’ on the market (which it is), then as we embark on deprogramming we can begin to look back and understand where and when we became ‘addicted’.
In ‘Natural Recovery from Suffering’ we recognize that the ACTUAL root of suffering was ultimately never anything or anyone outside of us – but instead, the unconscious mechanism of emotional repression inside our bodies that initially functioned as an innocent strategy to keep us safe and get us love in dysfunctional and repressed environments – and is now still running and driving us to suffer compulsively and unnecessarily.
And from that starting point we can set about taking full and complete responsibility for our own suffering by deprogramming and reversing the process of emotional repression that’s kept us locked us into the victim / abuser trap for most of our lives.
And a side benefit of coming out of repression is that by relinquishing our role as martyr / “carrier of all the world’s ills”, and getting out of the way, we give others who are assigning unwarranted blame and stuck in the belief that “Others are responsible for my pain / hurt / anger / upset” the opportunity to, if they choose, finally face themselves and their own repression without distraction or interference.
Put more simply, when we come down off the cross, everybody wins .