The Emptiness of Self

The fact that the self could be realized as empty was fascinating to me from the very beginning of my spiritual search.

“What could that mean?” “What would that be like?” These are the questions I first pondered.

Then I began to explore the spiritual teachings that seemed to point to no self. I saw significantly different styles of pointing and even different definitions of what no self was actually referring to.

After a while, it became rather confusing with regard to which teaching to follow or which method to employ or whether there was no method at all involved in a “no self” realization.

I remained influenced by some of the teachings and methods that I had encountered but I had to realize what “no self” was pointing to in my own experience. Anything other than “my” own direct experience was hearsay and conjecture. I even noticed that when teachers would try to point to no self, they would always add in their perspectives about it including what it looked like. Some would say “it’s like nothing is there” and others would say “It’s like there is a self there but it’s only an appearance.” These differing perspectives were filed in the mind as references, but I knew that I needed to investigate myself.

This is what was realized (and I don’t share this to suggest that this is what you should realize – in fact, I encourage you to investigate on your own):

I experienced states in which there appeared to be nothing – more like space inside and outside, where inside and outside dissolved. This experience was a bit like one pure, undivided space. And in that state, there was no self because there was nothing at all.

I soon realized that, although that state is rather fascinating, it wasn’t “no self” because in the next moment something would arise, perhaps a subtle or not so subtle thought or emotion. If no self is a state in which nothing is there, how does one account for these thoughts and emotions? I came to see that an experience of pure, thought-free space where nothing arises is a state. It comes and goes. Perhaps there comes a time when nothing ever arises, but that was not my experience with this state of pure, thought-free space. Things were arising. And when I looked closer, I didn’t see a problem with the arisings. I could investigate them and then they would go away and that pure space experience would show up. But I couldn’t see a reason to prefer the pure space experience over the “things are arising” experience. It appeared that only a thought would prefer one over the other.

I then began to see no self as like the awareness in which things like thoughts, emotions, and sensations come and go. This is like still recognizing that pure, thought-free space as somehow my real SELF and the thoughts, emotions and sensations as an imagined appearance of self. Not a bad realization, I must say. During that time, I spoke a lot about being. But being, just like awareness, is a confusing term. It seems to set up some sort of rigid boundary line between what is real (Awareness, Being) and what is not real (thoughts, emotions, sensations). When I looked closer, Awareness and Being were unfindable. They were equally unreal. They were seen to depend on thoughts like everything else, even though there was a realization that something seems to be here all the time regardless of what came and went. When I dropped the idea that something is here (Awareness, Being) all the time, the realization that something was here all the time dropped with it. I noticed I didn’t need that realization. It didn’t feel like “no self” to me. It felt like a mental construct dividing life into two (what changes v. what doesn’t change).

At some point, I developed the Living Inquiries and began to investigate every single notion of self, other, world, being, awareness, no self – all of it. It was like nothing was findable. But it wasn’t pure space. There was no preference for pure space, being, awareness or anything. Whatever was there, was there. Whatever was not, was not. Every time I thought something existed inherently, like a self, or like awareness, when I looked, it couldn’t be found. And yet, life went on in all its diversity of pure space, thought, emotion, sensation, experiences, realizations, color, shape, relationship – all of it. They all seemed like mirages, equally.

Because of that investigation, now it doesn’t matter. The term no self has no significance to me. It is not more or less important than the notion of self. Some might say, “Well, that’s truly no self, to see that.” But it doesn’t show up for me that way. Life just happens without concern for whether there is a self or not a self. The question of whether there is a self fell away.

If I were to give any guidance at all, I would simply say “be careful.” Sometimes we are having an experience that we think is permanent and our minds want to say that this experience is no self. The mind loves to think it has found something, a realization for example. Then the experience falls away or the realization changes. Mostly, when we are influenced by what teachings say, we begin to pick up the concepts of that teaching and the concepts mold the experience or realization. But when those concepts are investigated, the teaching as well as the experience and the realization collapse.

My guidance would be land anywhere you want with any kind of teaching, pointing or guidance. But don’t be fooled. Sooner or later, if you look into your experience the right way and challenge what you think you know or what you seem to be realizing, the collapse is inevitable. The collapse, for me, was the sweetest seeing because there is no sense that I have to or even can build back up the notion of selves, no selves, awareness, being, etc. None of it can even get off the ground, not even the notion of an inherent collapse. And this is why I’m enjoying life more than ever now. Whenever something seems to get off the ground, I ride that wave for a while and then it collapses into a “I really don’t care about that anymore.” Then I just go watch TV or go to work, like everyone else.

"Working with Dan has been nothing short of transformational. His open heart, honesty about his personal experience and permission to be real and not hide have helped me unlock those qualities in myself. And that has been a total game changer. I've been truly blessed, not only to have him as my KI Facilitator, but also as my mentor. Without a doubt, working with him has helped me to show up authentically, helped sharpen my tools and made me a better facilitator than I would've been on my own. I can't recommend him enough."
Darby Totten
Certified KI Facilitator

Dan McLintock is a Certified Facilitator, Trainer and the Co-Developer of the Kiloby Inquiries method/approach the New Model of Recovery along w Scott Kiloby. 

A Jacksonville, Florida native, Dan graduated Flagler College in 2004 with B.A. in Theatre Arts and English Literature and has played music professionally in bands for over 20 years. But his true passion lies in sharing the context, possibility and practicality of healing, awakening and release. 

Dan has worked one-on-one with clients in and out of the Kiloby Center since 2017 and has an unconditionally loving and earnest approach to healing trauma, dissolving the drivers of addiction/suffering and unhooking long-held toxic beliefs about ourselves, others and the world at large. 

He’s also worked intensively, side-by-side with Scott Kiloby for the past three years to develop the transformative tools of the Kiloby Inquiries as well as the principles and approach of the “New Model of Recovery” rooted in unconditional love and non-judgment. Much of this approach was borne out of Scott and Dan’s work with each other on their own personal traumas as well as their work with clients at the Kiloby Center. 

Scott and Dan have simplified, demystified and condensed some of the principles and practices of eastern/non-dual spirituality into an easily accessible set of tools most anyone can understand, learn and utilize to free themselves from their own suffering. 

What is a Clarity Call?

What is a Clarity Call?

A clarity call is a free 30-minute introductory call with a Certified KI Facilitator. During a clarity call, you can ask any questions you have about KI and see whether a particular facilitator is a good fit for you.

To book a clarity call, select your preferred facilitator (hover over their picture and click the “Meet” button). Then, enter your email and click “Book Your Call.” From there, you’ll be able to select your preferred date and time and schedule your clarity call (please double-check your time zone before booking).

Valerie Vinger is a thriving survivor of life’s painful challenges and growth opportunities. She has worked with 12-step programs and is currently a 13-year stage-III cancer survivor. Her cancer recovery journey started with the traditional “cut, poison, burn” approach but eventually led her down a natural path to healing her body, her pain and suffering, and her buried emotions.

Valerie first stumbled upon Scott Kiloby at a workshop of his in Boulder, Colorado in 2012, which she says is one of the most transformative experiences she’s ever had. She is filled with gratitude for the person she has become through her journey with cancer recovery and with the Inquiries, which she describes as “coming home to myself.” She loves working with people who are ready for relief from their pain and suffering.

Julianne Eanniello is a Certified Trainer and Facilitator of both the Kiloby Inquiries and the Unfindability Inquiries (formerly called the Living Inquiries). She is also a Certified TRE Practitioner, and the developer of the somatic movement process called Natural Flow Movement. She works with clients all over the world on virtually any topic, including spiritual seeking, stress, anxiety, depression, pain and health related issues, traumatic experiences, repression, relationship issues, and general unhappiness with ourselves and our lives. She does this through online sessions, deepening courses, workshops and facilitator certification training.

About Julianne:

For most of my life I’ve wondered who I am and why I am here. As I was growing up, no one else seemed to be talking about these things, or even thinking about them, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to fit in the way I was “supposed” to, all the while feeling like there was something desperately wrong with me and that I needed to fix it.

In my early thirties, the death of a young relative left me feeling hopeless and helpless, wondering what is the point of life if we’re all just going to die anyway? This launched me on a search. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, I just knew that there was a longing – a desperate longing for something that actually made sense about life. I learned several alternative spiritual and healing techniques. I meditated. I read books and watched videos. I eventually learned of non-duality teachings, and I read more books, watched more videos, and even sat with several ‘awakened’ teachers. Yet I was still searching, something still felt missing. I was looking for the key that would unlock the mystery of me and of life.

In my early forties, I developed a chronic health condition that left me unable to work for several years, and most days barely able to get out of bed due to extreme fatigue, brain fog and pain. I lost my banking job, and eventually lost my home. I saw a multitude of doctors to try to find out what was wrong with me, and used every tool in my metaphysical and alternative medicine toolkit to try to heal myself. My seeking became even more intense, and I was looking for a way to escape my pain.

In 2009, I met Scott Kiloby. Since I started working with him and doing the Living Inquiries, the seeking for enlightenment has stopped, and the question of ‘who am I’ is no longer relevant. My victim stories around my health started falling away. Once I started looking at my experience through inquiry, everything changed. I stopped chasing something ‘out there.’ I no longer seek some future state of happiness or peace. This is not to say that I don’t have problems, or ever experience pain. Quite the contrary. I still use the inquiries regularly, and now there is much less avoidance or resistance to what I’m experiencing. I experience more and more freedom in the present moment, exactly as it appears.

Having trained with Scott, I was one of the first to be certified as a Senior Living Inquiries Facilitator and Trainer in early 2012. In 2014, I moved to CA and became a business partner with Scott at The Kiloby Center for Recovery, where we worked with people suffering from addiction, anxiety, depression and more for the next 8 years.

I can’t imagine my life without these inquiries. They saved me from myself. If you are still suffering, searching, longing… I encourage you to give this a try.

As a young child I saw a picture of Jesus gazing lovingly at some children around his feet. I immediately longed for the unconditional love I saw in his gaze. At the same time, I was being read fairy tales, like Cinderella, and came to believe that romantic love would satisfy that longing for love.

So, I married my handsome prince at age 19. But then, by age 29, I found myself alone, as a single mother, with four young children. I was devastated and convinced that something was terribly wrong with me, to have ended up in such a predicament. 

I had learned to love and please others, but not how to love and respect myself. I was a “good girl,” and repressed my urges to have my own needs acknowledged and met. A wise teacher later told me, “We need to love everyone, including ourselves.” This was an amazing revelation for me!

Learning to meditate helped immensely to bring moments of peace, while I was sitting still, though I was still being triggered regularly in my relationships. Finally, the Kiloby Inquiries taught me how to turn my attention inside in daily life – towards the trapped thoughts and emotions I’d been running from – so that I could face and release them. It was like some tender, lost children began coming home, to take their rightful place in my inner world. 

I am honored and excited to be able to facilitate these wonderful inquiries for others.

Sumitra lives in Eugene, Oregon, US.  She has four grown children and six grandchildren. For many years she lived and worked in a yoga retreat community in California, and has taught yoga, meditation and Compassionate Communication in addition to facilitating the tools of the Kiloby Inquiries (since 2013).

Working with compulsions – especially regarding food – is a special interest for Sumitra. 

She also loves working with couples and others with relationship challenges in a simple deep listening practice that allows each person to be truly heard and acknowledged.

Kiloby Inquiries all dimension certified trainer & facilitator ✅.  

 

I am a non bypassing non-dual teacher with 13 years of direct experience. Waking up and abiding in our true nature was not enough. Some unconscious repressed fear was debilitating my expression for years. Stepping into the power of my voice fully was only possible with KI. In 2020 signing up to KI training with Scott and Dan changed the trajectory and the quality of my life and work. I released loads of repressed shame and anger from my system and now am able to let live manifest and express effortlessly. And I know you can live and be the fullest free expression of YOU!

 

I am so passionate about this method of deprograming & embodiment that I am here to inspire others to experience it for themselves. These tools and my perseverance in experimenting with them brought effortlessness, ease in the unknown, financial abundance, freedom of expression, burst of creativity and such a fulfilling work environment, where everyone is honoring integrity, authenticity and inner deepening. I’ve learned so much from all my fellow trainees and clients, it’s been such a privilege to hold space and witness their growth and transformation. I’ve been training in KI with Scott and on my own since 2021 and now so excited to train all dimensions training for full immersion in this work. 

 

I have experience working with: parents and children, childhood trauma, repression of voice/power/expression, non-dual bypassing, spiritual seeking, emotional repression, addiction, chronic pain, abuse, sexual abuse, sexual repression, depression, PTSD, birth trauma mother and baby, grief and loss, couples counseling, lack and scarcity mindset. 

 

I can help you move beyond suffering and fear into the world more fully with your gifts, authenticity and uniqueness recognizing your unbroken, true nature. 

 
Alec Rodrigues has been certified to facilitate inquiry since 2015 and brings a keen sense of intuition to his work. He believes that in connection, the deepest healing takes place, that the mirror of relationship is the best crucible for transformation. Through rest and inquiry, Alec has found the empowerment to meet others authentically and stop running so damn fast from the seeming “ordinariness” of life.

He currently lives in Washington state with his girlfriend and works as a training assistant for the KI Personal Mentorship Program, where he empowers enrollees by teaching them the KI tools.