The Death that Finally Allows You to Live

Somewhere along the way, I learned how not to feel, how not to notice breathing, how not to consciously experience the moment,

the colors, the sensations, the shapes, the life right before my eyes and ears. I learned everything my parents, teachers, friends, television and books had to teach me. I learned my way right out of presence. And I paid a high price. My disconnection from the here and now created an insatiable appetite for escape of any and every kind. By the time I was 20, I had mastered the art of escaping present life. I was clawing and stratching my way out of my own skin, smoking pot until my lungs filled with blackness, swallowing pills like they were M&M’s, drinking alcohol like it was water, and searching for love in every place that it was not.  I learned my way into a dream world where I was the main character – deficient, flawed. I was engrossed in a search that led nowhere and getting more and more exhausted from not finding whatever I was looking for.  I did not even know what I was looking for. I just learned to search, like I learned everything else. In this search, I could not fully live. I was too busy escaping life as it appears in this present space.

I’m glad to have come out of that alive. I am grateful to have the opportunity in each moment to notice that life actually happens right here, right now. I am falling in love more deeply each moment with the presence that alluded me for so long. I love seeing that there is no such thing as discovering presence once and for all, because it is always changing, always showing me something that I had not seen before. It is like a lover that has a new face in each moment. The unlearning of all that I have learned is like falling in love with the presence that society told me to escape. I can now feel the touch of my fingers on this keyboard, notice the movement in my bones and muscles as I type, hear my breathing happening automatically, see the colors magnificently displayed in front of me, feel every movement of sensation coming and going, notice every thought arising and falling back into an unknowable space. There is nothing that I can call “life” as any fixed thing, for the play of life is not fixed at all. All that learning I did for years told me that things were fixed and static. Leaving behind the world of things, I notice the fluidity of the play of arisings. It is so fluid that I cannot put my finger on anything, for as soon as I point to something, it dies a perfect death, allowing something new to be born.  As soon as I type a new word, the previous sentence has already died. This is how everything is.

Everything I learned has been challenged in the deepest way – including who I am, who you are, what life is, what truth is, where I have been, where I am going and whether there is any self here at all. There is no religion in this kind of seeing. Nowhere to hang my hat. Nowhere to place any certainty. And that’s why it is so delicious. This is the deepest kind of falling in love, where you give up your certainty and your self for the sheer curiousity of what it is like to be totally awake to what is here in the moment. I once learned that falling in love meant finding someone to fall for, some dream to fall into, some ideal to chase. But this falling is something different altogether. In this falling, the dream itself is challenged, obliterated. Everything that appears dies a sweet death a second later. Images do not point to anything. They can’t, because everything is constantly in flux. Words do not refer to anything, for the movement of life is way too fluid to match up to a static set of words. 

In this falling, there is peace and acceptance in the deepest sense. Yet there is no “I” to grasp what that means or to hold onto it. And that is why the peace and acceptance is always here – because grasping never actually happens. Just words and pictures that appear to grasp at what is ungraspable. This falling cannot be learned. 

It is an unlearning into a constant death.  But there is nothing morbid or sad about it. It is a death of self, a death of other, a death of things, a death of understanding, a death of learning. And in that, I can finally live. I can thrive. I can follow passion without knowing where it is going and without caring. I can let the waves of enthusiasm take me to the next moment, which will be totally brand new.  I can engage more fully with another precisely because I see no other there.  In this death, in this falling, everything is always new. Always. That is why death is so sweet. It makes room for the new. All of that learning never made room for anything new. It only made room for more thoughts, more learning, more searching, more exhaustion.

Come follow me into the falling. Follow me even though society says it is insane. Follow me even when your fears say “no.” Follow me even when you want to seek instead. Follow me even though your heart will break along the way. Follow me to the place where there is no me and you. There is only this moment, dying again and again to make room for the next. Follow me into the death that finally allows you to live.

"Working with Dan has been nothing short of transformational. His open heart, honesty about his personal experience and permission to be real and not hide have helped me unlock those qualities in myself. And that has been a total game changer. I've been truly blessed, not only to have him as my KI Facilitator, but also as my mentor. Without a doubt, working with him has helped me to show up authentically, helped sharpen my tools and made me a better facilitator than I would've been on my own. I can't recommend him enough."
Darby Totten
Certified KI Facilitator

Dan McLintock is a Certified Facilitator, Trainer and the Co-Developer of the Kiloby Inquiries method/approach the New Model of Recovery along w Scott Kiloby. 

A Jacksonville, Florida native, Dan graduated Flagler College in 2004 with B.A. in Theatre Arts and English Literature and has played music professionally in bands for over 20 years. But his true passion lies in sharing the context, possibility and practicality of healing, awakening and release. 

Dan has worked one-on-one with clients in and out of the Kiloby Center since 2017 and has an unconditionally loving and earnest approach to healing trauma, dissolving the drivers of addiction/suffering and unhooking long-held toxic beliefs about ourselves, others and the world at large. 

He’s also worked intensively, side-by-side with Scott Kiloby for the past three years to develop the transformative tools of the Kiloby Inquiries as well as the principles and approach of the “New Model of Recovery” rooted in unconditional love and non-judgment. Much of this approach was borne out of Scott and Dan’s work with each other on their own personal traumas as well as their work with clients at the Kiloby Center. 

Scott and Dan have simplified, demystified and condensed some of the principles and practices of eastern/non-dual spirituality into an easily accessible set of tools most anyone can understand, learn and utilize to free themselves from their own suffering. 

What is a Clarity Call?

What is a Clarity Call?

A clarity call is a free 30-minute introductory call with a Certified KI Facilitator. During a clarity call, you can ask any questions you have about KI and see whether a particular facilitator is a good fit for you.

To book a clarity call, select your preferred facilitator (hover over their picture and click the “Meet” button). Then, enter your email and click “Book Your Call.” From there, you’ll be able to select your preferred date and time and schedule your clarity call (please double-check your time zone before booking).

Valerie Vinger is a thriving survivor of life’s painful challenges and growth opportunities. She has worked with 12-step programs and is currently a 13-year stage-III cancer survivor. Her cancer recovery journey started with the traditional “cut, poison, burn” approach but eventually led her down a natural path to healing her body, her pain and suffering, and her buried emotions.

Valerie first stumbled upon Scott Kiloby at a workshop of his in Boulder, Colorado in 2012, which she says is one of the most transformative experiences she’s ever had. She is filled with gratitude for the person she has become through her journey with cancer recovery and with the Inquiries, which she describes as “coming home to myself.” She loves working with people who are ready for relief from their pain and suffering.

Julianne Eanniello is a Certified Trainer and Facilitator of both the Kiloby Inquiries and the Unfindability Inquiries (formerly called the Living Inquiries). She is also a Certified TRE Practitioner, and the developer of the somatic movement process called Natural Flow Movement. She works with clients all over the world on virtually any topic, including spiritual seeking, stress, anxiety, depression, pain and health related issues, traumatic experiences, repression, relationship issues, and general unhappiness with ourselves and our lives. She does this through online sessions, deepening courses, workshops and facilitator certification training.

About Julianne:

For most of my life I’ve wondered who I am and why I am here. As I was growing up, no one else seemed to be talking about these things, or even thinking about them, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to fit in the way I was “supposed” to, all the while feeling like there was something desperately wrong with me and that I needed to fix it.

In my early thirties, the death of a young relative left me feeling hopeless and helpless, wondering what is the point of life if we’re all just going to die anyway? This launched me on a search. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, I just knew that there was a longing – a desperate longing for something that actually made sense about life. I learned several alternative spiritual and healing techniques. I meditated. I read books and watched videos. I eventually learned of non-duality teachings, and I read more books, watched more videos, and even sat with several ‘awakened’ teachers. Yet I was still searching, something still felt missing. I was looking for the key that would unlock the mystery of me and of life.

In my early forties, I developed a chronic health condition that left me unable to work for several years, and most days barely able to get out of bed due to extreme fatigue, brain fog and pain. I lost my banking job, and eventually lost my home. I saw a multitude of doctors to try to find out what was wrong with me, and used every tool in my metaphysical and alternative medicine toolkit to try to heal myself. My seeking became even more intense, and I was looking for a way to escape my pain.

In 2009, I met Scott Kiloby. Since I started working with him and doing the Living Inquiries, the seeking for enlightenment has stopped, and the question of ‘who am I’ is no longer relevant. My victim stories around my health started falling away. Once I started looking at my experience through inquiry, everything changed. I stopped chasing something ‘out there.’ I no longer seek some future state of happiness or peace. This is not to say that I don’t have problems, or ever experience pain. Quite the contrary. I still use the inquiries regularly, and now there is much less avoidance or resistance to what I’m experiencing. I experience more and more freedom in the present moment, exactly as it appears.

Having trained with Scott, I was one of the first to be certified as a Senior Living Inquiries Facilitator and Trainer in early 2012. In 2014, I moved to CA and became a business partner with Scott at The Kiloby Center for Recovery, where we worked with people suffering from addiction, anxiety, depression and more for the next 8 years.

I can’t imagine my life without these inquiries. They saved me from myself. If you are still suffering, searching, longing… I encourage you to give this a try.

As a young child I saw a picture of Jesus gazing lovingly at some children around his feet. I immediately longed for the unconditional love I saw in his gaze. At the same time, I was being read fairy tales, like Cinderella, and came to believe that romantic love would satisfy that longing for love.

So, I married my handsome prince at age 19. But then, by age 29, I found myself alone, as a single mother, with four young children. I was devastated and convinced that something was terribly wrong with me, to have ended up in such a predicament. 

I had learned to love and please others, but not how to love and respect myself. I was a “good girl,” and repressed my urges to have my own needs acknowledged and met. A wise teacher later told me, “We need to love everyone, including ourselves.” This was an amazing revelation for me!

Learning to meditate helped immensely to bring moments of peace, while I was sitting still, though I was still being triggered regularly in my relationships. Finally, the Kiloby Inquiries taught me how to turn my attention inside in daily life – towards the trapped thoughts and emotions I’d been running from – so that I could face and release them. It was like some tender, lost children began coming home, to take their rightful place in my inner world. 

I am honored and excited to be able to facilitate these wonderful inquiries for others.

Sumitra lives on the Hawaiian island of Kauai with some of her family. She has four grown children and six grandchildren. For many years she lived and worked in a yoga retreat community in California, and has taught yoga, meditation and Compassionate Communication in addition to facilitating the tools of the Kiloby Inquiries (since 2013).

Sumitra also loves working with couples and others with relationship challenges in a simple (though not always easy) deep listening practice that allows each person to be truly heard and acknowledged.

Alina is a certified KI facilitator & a founder of Presence Alchemy – An advance mindfulness platform dedicated to liberating suffering & limiting core beliefs through Kiloby Inquiries & non-dual awareness. Presence Alchemy was born eight years into Alina’s embodiment journey of an inner shift from ego to wakefulness. Alina works one-on-one with clients, hosts online intensives and training, and organizes local retreats & workshops.
Alec Rodrigues has been certified to facilitate inquiry since 2015 and brings a keen sense of intuition to his work. He believes that in connection, the deepest healing takes place, that the mirror of relationship is the best crucible for transformation. Through rest and inquiry, Alec has found the empowerment to meet others authentically and stop running so damn fast from the seeming “ordinariness” of life.

He currently lives in Washington state with his girlfriend and works as a training assistant for the KI Personal Mentorship Program, where he empowers enrollees by teaching them the KI tools.