Relationship Is a Mirror

Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As you move through life, it seems as if other people reflect the core deficient self back to you. When the wound that lies at the heart of the deficient self is reopened, you experience pain and suffering. No one else has actually reopened the wound—that’s a misconception—but it hurts all the same, and that pain is responsible for much of the difficulty you experience in relationships. If the pain gets too intense, you may find yourself trying to avoid it, blaming others for it, or medicating it. Like everyone else, you have a tendency to believe that others are the source of the pain. But others are just a mirror showing you what you believe about yourself.

Here are a few signs that the core deficiency story has been activated in relationship:

• Insisting on being right, and making others wrong
• Excessively seeking love, praise, attention, acknowledg- ment, or approval from others
• Comparing yourself to others, and judging yourself as better or worse
• Belittling, ridiculing, or bullying others
• Trying to control or manipulate others
• Recoiling fearfully from conflict when it would be more authentic to speak your mind
• Judging others negatively, or complaining about them
• Expressing anger and other emotions in unhealthy, destructive ways
• Alienating yourself from the people around you, and avoiding certain painful relationships
• Acting on selfish ambition
• Suppressing painful emotions, and not expressing how you really feel
• Feeling jealous or envious of others

Much of this mental activity comes from being afraid to look directly at who you’ve falsely taken yourself to be. But others in your life are constantly mirroring back to you this illusion of a core deficient self.

From: ‘The Unfindable Inquiry: One Simple Tool to Overcome Feelings of Unworthiness and Find Inner Peace’ by Scott Kiloby –

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