Forgiveness

My relationship with my partner has been the greatest spiritual teaching I’ve ever encountered.  So many moments of being triggered by him, pointing my finger outward, judging what he has done or not done or said or not said, only to find a crystal clear seeing the moment I stop pointing outward and start looking with the Boomerang Inquiry to see what sense of deficiency has been triggered within me, and then seeing the transparency of self.

Through the years, the deficiency story triggered in that relationship has usually been “I’m unlovable.” But it has remained hidden at first, during the points in which the trigger is activated and the pointing outward takes over.  The hidden nature of the deficiency story is cleverly diabolical in its persistence.  The story “I’m unlovable” never announces itself that way. It shows up as judgment and reaction towards him. It’s deceptive in that way. All that pointing outward is like the proverbial wool pulled over my eyes and heart. The story cannot be seen precisely because the pointing outward hides it from view.  As long as my focus has been towards the judgment of my partner and what is “wrong” with him, the identity has literally remained unconscious.

I used to try to forgive him. But that was just the wool talking again, trying to find a way to keep the idea of separation alive, as if I can actually forgive him. How can I forgive him when I am speaking from a story of unlovability? Stories don’t forgive. They just rationalize pain away. They try to place some kind of mind-created false forgiveness over the wound.  Even if forgiveness seemed to come about in the story of “I forgive him,” the full thrust of the pain was usually not fully felt, the identity of unlovability had not been seen through. So it lied there, waiting for the next wrong thing done or said by my partner, to show its face again and pretend there is someone out there to blame for the pain. Trying to forgive is resentment’s great cover up job. It’s just another lie, but its the best I could do within the story of separation.

I stopped trying to forgive my partner years ago and just started looking to see if I could find myself, the one who is unlovable, whenever the trigger began again.  This has been the most humbling, most awakening clarity, to actually let the pain, sadness, fear and judgment of my partner be the door that opens up the seeing of no self, repeatedly in the face of every single trigger, until the last remnants of the self who is unlovable get pulled up to the surface and released like a cloud of dust being carried away by a brisk desert wind.

In the moment of not being able to find the unlovable self when the trigger has been activated, the heart just opens widely, so widely that it seems “too much” at first.  The depth of forgiveness that arises from seeing no self in those moments is more than a mind can handle.  And perhaps that is why the mind is not in the business of forgiveness in the first place.  It’s in the business of identity—I’m unlovable.  But as the story of unlovability is seen to be unfindable, the mind no longer has to try to handle anything.  The wind is taken out of its sails completely, leaving a quietness that cannot be understood. There is nothing to understand in true forgiveness because it is not of the mind. And to call that a heart opening really doesn’t do it justice because it’s not always just about some wonderful feeling of love that arises. Sure, that happens sometimes but, like all feelings, it comes and goes. The opening is much bigger than the heart and more precious than a feeling. There are no boundaries for it. It takes away every place I would like to hide. It makes the story “I’m unlovable” look toyish and ridiculous. It is complete forgiveness, through and through, as if nothing ever happened. No trigger ever occurred.  No unlovable person ever existed.  And so the brunt of pointing outward has nowhere to go, no thorns to which to attach, no hurt or wound at all.  Just wordless openness, as if the relationship is starting anew in that moment without any history at all. And of course it is fresh in each moment when this clarity dawns. This is what forgiveness is really about. It harmonizes a relationship so fully that no one can take credit for it. It is no one’s story.

So why do we hurt each other in relationship?  Why have I hurt my partner?  Why has he hurt me? Perhaps we do it because it’s the only way to actually wake up from the illusion of separation of self and other.  How can we wake up from these stories if the stories don’t get activated? And of course they do. There is a deliciously painful opportunity at every turn, every reflection of the mirror.  It happens every day for all of us, not just in our romantic relationships, but in every relationship with every person, place or thing we meet. Everything is a mirror, reflecting back to us a lie we started telling when we were very young.  “I am separate and I am deficient.” We can try to avoid seeing the mirror.  We can pretend that other people are the source of our pain.  We can point outward, pretending our resentment has something to do with someone else.  We can do this, over and over again, and suffer each time we do it.  And the insane paradox is that the mirror is unfindable too. The “mirror” is just a way of talking about how self and other exist only in relationship to each other. They don’t exist as separate, findable things. Seeing ourselves reflected back to one another is both a blessing and a curse. It fills us with joy and happiness to be seen, heard and loved by another.  And it brings up deep pain when we are not seen, heard and loved by another.  We’d like to just experience the joy and happiness that the mirror provides. But life doesn’t work that way. Thank God for the pain, for it presents another opportunity altogether, which is to be done with the lie of separation completely, in all its forms and reflections.

Eventually, when we are ready, when we are done with our futile dream of hoping the mirror will give us only good reflections, we stop pointing outward, stop waiting for someone else to make us happy and start asking the question, “What is this person mirroring back to me about who I think I am?” And once we put a name to it (and it’s almost always some version of “there’s something wrong with ME”) we can actually look for that self.  Is this thought me? Is that feeling me? Is this mental picture me? Where is it—where is this thing I think I am, this self that got triggered?  In not finding it, we finally have a chance to wake up out of the lie.

What a blessing to have so many opportunities to tell the lie of deficiency and separation in relationship, and then to see through the lie, to feel the pain, fear, and hurt so deeply and fully that it cannot survive anymore. It loses its grip every time we feel that deeply without a story on the pain. We see that, just as a story cannot forgive, neither can it feel anything. It cannot truly love either. Stories don’t feel or love. They are just words. And words only describe feelings and love.

Thank you, my partner, for teaching me that it was never about you. You never caused my pain.  And I didn’t cause it either. It’s an illusion, seen through. There is no need to say that I have seen through it or that there is no one there to see through it.  That’s just spiritual mind chatter.  It’s just seen through.  That’s enough. That’s forgiveness. Love starts there.

"Working with Dan has been nothing short of transformational. His open heart, honesty about his personal experience and permission to be real and not hide have helped me unlock those qualities in myself. And that has been a total game changer. I've been truly blessed, not only to have him as my KI Facilitator, but also as my mentor. Without a doubt, working with him has helped me to show up authentically, helped sharpen my tools and made me a better facilitator than I would've been on my own. I can't recommend him enough."
Darby Totten
Certified KI Facilitator

Dan McLintock is a Certified Facilitator, Trainer and the Co-Developer of the Kiloby Inquiries method/approach the New Model of Recovery along w Scott Kiloby. 

A Jacksonville, Florida native, Dan graduated Flagler College in 2004 with B.A. in Theatre Arts and English Literature and has played music professionally in bands for over 20 years. But his true passion lies in sharing the context, possibility and practicality of healing, awakening and release. 

Dan has worked one-on-one with clients in and out of the Kiloby Center since 2017 and has an unconditionally loving and earnest approach to healing trauma, dissolving the drivers of addiction/suffering and unhooking long-held toxic beliefs about ourselves, others and the world at large. 

He’s also worked intensively, side-by-side with Scott Kiloby for the past three years to develop the transformative tools of the Kiloby Inquiries as well as the principles and approach of the “New Model of Recovery” rooted in unconditional love and non-judgment. Much of this approach was borne out of Scott and Dan’s work with each other on their own personal traumas as well as their work with clients at the Kiloby Center. 

Scott and Dan have simplified, demystified and condensed some of the principles and practices of eastern/non-dual spirituality into an easily accessible set of tools most anyone can understand, learn and utilize to free themselves from their own suffering. 

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What is a Clarity Call?

A clarity call is a free 30-minute introductory call with a Certified KI Facilitator. During a clarity call, you can ask any questions you have about KI and see whether a particular facilitator is a good fit for you.

To book a clarity call, select your preferred facilitator (hover over their picture and click the “Meet” button). Then, enter your email and click “Book Your Call.” From there, you’ll be able to select your preferred date and time and schedule your clarity call (please double-check your time zone before booking).

Valerie Vinger is a thriving survivor of life’s painful challenges and growth opportunities. She has worked with 12-step programs and is currently a 13-year stage-III cancer survivor. Her cancer recovery journey started with the traditional “cut, poison, burn” approach but eventually led her down a natural path to healing her body, her pain and suffering, and her buried emotions.

Valerie first stumbled upon Scott Kiloby at a workshop of his in Boulder, Colorado in 2012, which she says is one of the most transformative experiences she’s ever had. She is filled with gratitude for the person she has become through her journey with cancer recovery and with the Inquiries, which she describes as “coming home to myself.” She loves working with people who are ready for relief from their pain and suffering.

Julianne Eanniello is a Certified Trainer and Facilitator of both the Kiloby Inquiries and the Unfindability Inquiries (formerly called the Living Inquiries). She is also a Certified TRE Practitioner, and the developer of the somatic movement process called Natural Flow Movement. She works with clients all over the world on virtually any topic, including spiritual seeking, stress, anxiety, depression, pain and health related issues, traumatic experiences, repression, relationship issues, and general unhappiness with ourselves and our lives. She does this through online sessions, deepening courses, workshops and facilitator certification training.

About Julianne:

For most of my life I’ve wondered who I am and why I am here. As I was growing up, no one else seemed to be talking about these things, or even thinking about them, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to fit in the way I was “supposed” to, all the while feeling like there was something desperately wrong with me and that I needed to fix it.

In my early thirties, the death of a young relative left me feeling hopeless and helpless, wondering what is the point of life if we’re all just going to die anyway? This launched me on a search. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, I just knew that there was a longing – a desperate longing for something that actually made sense about life. I learned several alternative spiritual and healing techniques. I meditated. I read books and watched videos. I eventually learned of non-duality teachings, and I read more books, watched more videos, and even sat with several ‘awakened’ teachers. Yet I was still searching, something still felt missing. I was looking for the key that would unlock the mystery of me and of life.

In my early forties, I developed a chronic health condition that left me unable to work for several years, and most days barely able to get out of bed due to extreme fatigue, brain fog and pain. I lost my banking job, and eventually lost my home. I saw a multitude of doctors to try to find out what was wrong with me, and used every tool in my metaphysical and alternative medicine toolkit to try to heal myself. My seeking became even more intense, and I was looking for a way to escape my pain.

In 2009, I met Scott Kiloby. Since I started working with him and doing the Living Inquiries, the seeking for enlightenment has stopped, and the question of ‘who am I’ is no longer relevant. My victim stories around my health started falling away. Once I started looking at my experience through inquiry, everything changed. I stopped chasing something ‘out there.’ I no longer seek some future state of happiness or peace. This is not to say that I don’t have problems, or ever experience pain. Quite the contrary. I still use the inquiries regularly, and now there is much less avoidance or resistance to what I’m experiencing. I experience more and more freedom in the present moment, exactly as it appears.

Having trained with Scott, I was one of the first to be certified as a Senior Living Inquiries Facilitator and Trainer in early 2012. In 2014, I moved to CA and became a business partner with Scott at The Kiloby Center for Recovery, where we worked with people suffering from addiction, anxiety, depression and more for the next 8 years.

I can’t imagine my life without these inquiries. They saved me from myself. If you are still suffering, searching, longing… I encourage you to give this a try.

As a young child I saw a picture of Jesus gazing lovingly at some children around his feet. I immediately longed for the unconditional love I saw in his gaze. At the same time, I was being read fairy tales, like Cinderella, and came to believe that romantic love would satisfy that longing for love.

So, I married my handsome prince at age 19. But then, by age 29, I found myself alone, as a single mother, with four young children. I was devastated and convinced that something was terribly wrong with me, to have ended up in such a predicament. 

I had learned to love and please others, but not how to love and respect myself. I was a “good girl,” and repressed my urges to have my own needs acknowledged and met. A wise teacher later told me, “We need to love everyone, including ourselves.” This was an amazing revelation for me!

Learning to meditate helped immensely to bring moments of peace, while I was sitting still, though I was still being triggered regularly in my relationships. Finally, the Kiloby Inquiries taught me how to turn my attention inside in daily life – towards the trapped thoughts and emotions I’d been running from – so that I could face and release them. It was like some tender, lost children began coming home, to take their rightful place in my inner world. 

I am honored and excited to be able to facilitate these wonderful inquiries for others.

Sumitra lives on the Hawaiian island of Kauai with some of her family. She has four grown children and six grandchildren. For many years she lived and worked in a yoga retreat community in California, and has taught yoga, meditation and Compassionate Communication in addition to facilitating the tools of the Kiloby Inquiries (since 2013).

Sumitra also loves working with couples and others with relationship challenges in a simple (though not always easy) deep listening practice that allows each person to be truly heard and acknowledged.

Alina is a certified KI facilitator & a founder of Presence Alchemy – An advance mindfulness platform dedicated to liberating suffering & limiting core beliefs through Kiloby Inquiries & non-dual awareness. Presence Alchemy was born eight years into Alina’s embodiment journey of an inner shift from ego to wakefulness. Alina works one-on-one with clients, hosts online intensives and training, and organizes local retreats & workshops.
Alec Rodrigues has been certified to facilitate inquiry since 2015 and brings a keen sense of intuition to his work. He believes that in connection, the deepest healing takes place, that the mirror of relationship is the best crucible for transformation. Through rest and inquiry, Alec has found the empowerment to meet others authentically and stop running so damn fast from the seeming “ordinariness” of life.

He currently lives in Washington state with his girlfriend and works as a training assistant for the KI Personal Mentorship Program, where he empowers enrollees by teaching them the KI tools.