Deficiency stories show up in relationships

Edited by Jessica Pounds

Sometimes it seems that our deficiency stories show up most brutally in our relationships. Beneath a seemingly subtle push and pull that we feel, there is a deeper, self-sabotaging tendency of mind to confirm these deficiency stories.

  • We believe we deserve to be alone.
  • We believe we are unlovable.
  • We believe we will never be happy.

Those stories feel true to us, so mind tries to create that reality for us. Because if those stories aren’t true…. then who are we?

And so we lean, simultaneously, into both the neediness and the anger that our deficiency stories create.  We are so identified with our deficiency stories we cannot see that who we really are lies somewhere beneath that neediness, fear, and anger.  Because of a compulsion of mind to confirm our stories, we put out traps to sneer our partner into triggering us and watch for the moments when we can interpret what is happening in a way that confirms the deficiency and woundedness. ‘I knew it! I told you so! I’m hopeless’, we almost seem to gloat within ourselves, reveling in the suffering. Mind is momentarily satisfied, and our stories root deeper.

We come to believe that our deficiency stories define us- that these beliefs make up who we are. Through non-dual awareness and inquiry, we learn to watch it all. To see the push and pull, to recognize the neediness and the anger- and watch it all pass. This is awareness. This is presence. We don’t have to fight or struggle or suffer anymore. We can just be.

That is who we really are- the open resting awareness that is spacious enough to watch the stories rise, allow them, and watch as they fade away. There is no identity. There is no separation. There is only love.



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