Beyond Our Culture of Fixing

Through the years, I studied and worked with teachers of the great enlightenment traditions (Dzogchen Buddhism, Advaita Vedanta, Madhyamaka Buddhism).  These teachers clearly set forth the territory of spiritual awakening in their own unique ways.  I never got the message from them that awakening was about fixing “me.”  

Instead, these teachers encouraged the questioning of my own identity and the genuine allowing of everything to be as it is.

Even though I didn’t get the message that enlightenment was about fixing me, the conditioning of my culture was still running the show in varying degrees.  There was some sense that I was broken and that awakening would fix me, so that I would never have to feel emotional or psychological pain again.  It was an innocent mistake, if you will, to treat awakening like everything else is treated in our culture.

Look at our Western Culture.  From every direction we get the message that we are broken or not good enough and that we can be fixed with the right pill, medical treatment, diet plan, job, new clothes, spiritual or therapeutic method, belief system, thinking strategy, prayer, meditation, etc.  We are inundated with these messages from the time we are born, well into adulthood.  It’s no wonder we bring this conditioning to the spiritual path.

One day I was working with a client who was experiencing emotional pain in her chest.  We were exploring the belief, “I’m unwanted,” with the Unfindable Inquiry.   As she sat there, with attention gently in that area, she kept noticing image after image after image, word after word after word, and feeling after feeling after feeling.  At some point in the process, she stopped and looked at me and said, “Does this ever end?”  She was asking the question from the conditioning of “I need to be fixed,” as if there comes a point in life at which we never have to think, feel or sense anything unpleasant again.  But isn’t life about thinking, sensing, and feeling?  Isn’t this the way we actually experience this thing called life?

My answer to her was this:  

There is ultimately nothing wrong with experiencing all of these things.  They are merely words, pictures and emotions. 

But when we have a belief that we are broken and that we need to be fixed, we are always looking for an end point, instead of really “being with” whatever is arising in the present moment.

This is one of the most challenging conversations to have with clients, when exploring with the Living Inquiries.  The Inquiries are fundamentally not about fixing anything.  They are about developing the natural skill of allowing everything to be as it is and then questioning certain beliefs that create suffering.  But this exploration and questioning is mainly about the deep acceptance of whatever arises, no matter what it is and no matter how many words, pictures and emotions come and go.  When we are with our experience this intimately and lovingly, we stop looking for an end point.  The end point comes from a belief in a self that lives in time.  When we look for the end point, we are seeking into future instead of allowing whatever is arising now.   We cannot see, in that moment, that the end point is arising by way of a set of words in the present moment and that those words can be allowed to come and go freely too.

Once we clear away the belief that we are broken and need to be fixed, a change of perception can start to happen.  We move beyond this limited way of experiencing ourselves and into a direct and immediate allowing of everything as it is, without resistance.   This change of perception has the power to profoundly relieve suffering in a way that is different from being “fixed.”  The relief of suffering comes from welcoming the suffering, from moving through it, instead of trying to reach the end of something.

Where is the end of experiencing?  Have you ever looked?  Wouldn’t the end of experiencing be just another thought arising in the moment?

Get radical:  question the notion that you are broken and that you need fixing.  Throw away the conditioning that your culture has given you, and replace it with a loving investigation of thoughts, emotions and sensations as they come and go.  Notice that, as thoughts, emotions and sensations come and go, there is an awareness that remains unchanged by all that.  It remains stably present regardless of the coming and going of all these things.  In this, there is a deep acceptance of life, no matter how it shows up.

And then, when you are ready, question the notion of awareness itself.  Notice that it too is not something findable.  It is not something you have to hold onto in any way.  At that point, you have lost your ground in a good way.  You are not merely watching the river of experience coming and going.  You are the river itself.  You have jumped in and lost that sense of self that wants to change the river.   You have lost the belief in being broken and needing to be fixed.   You are living and enjoying life, the good, the bad, the ugly and the neutral.  It’s all here for you in the moment.  Live it, love it, be it.  Notice that the river never ends and that you aren’t looking for its end anymore anyway.

"Working with Dan has been nothing short of transformational. His open heart, honesty about his personal experience and permission to be real and not hide have helped me unlock those qualities in myself. And that has been a total game changer. I've been truly blessed, not only to have him as my KI Facilitator, but also as my mentor. Without a doubt, working with him has helped me to show up authentically, helped sharpen my tools and made me a better facilitator than I would've been on my own. I can't recommend him enough."
Darby Totten
Certified KI Facilitator

Dan McLintock is a Certified Facilitator, Trainer and the Co-Developer of the Kiloby Inquiries method/approach the New Model of Recovery along w Scott Kiloby. 

A Jacksonville, Florida native, Dan graduated Flagler College in 2004 with B.A. in Theatre Arts and English Literature and has played music professionally in bands for over 20 years. But his true passion lies in sharing the context, possibility and practicality of healing, awakening and release. 

Dan has worked one-on-one with clients in and out of the Kiloby Center since 2017 and has an unconditionally loving and earnest approach to healing trauma, dissolving the drivers of addiction/suffering and unhooking long-held toxic beliefs about ourselves, others and the world at large. 

He’s also worked intensively, side-by-side with Scott Kiloby for the past three years to develop the transformative tools of the Kiloby Inquiries as well as the principles and approach of the “New Model of Recovery” rooted in unconditional love and non-judgment. Much of this approach was borne out of Scott and Dan’s work with each other on their own personal traumas as well as their work with clients at the Kiloby Center. 

Scott and Dan have simplified, demystified and condensed some of the principles and practices of eastern/non-dual spirituality into an easily accessible set of tools most anyone can understand, learn and utilize to free themselves from their own suffering. 

What is a Clarity Call?

What is a Clarity Call?

A clarity call is a free 30-minute introductory call with a Certified KI Facilitator. During a clarity call, you can ask any questions you have about KI and see whether a particular facilitator is a good fit for you.

To book a clarity call, select your preferred facilitator (hover over their picture and click the “Meet” button). Then, enter your email and click “Book Your Call.” From there, you’ll be able to select your preferred date and time and schedule your clarity call (please double-check your time zone before booking).

Valerie Vinger is a thriving survivor of life’s painful challenges and growth opportunities. She has worked with 12-step programs and is currently a 13-year stage-III cancer survivor. Her cancer recovery journey started with the traditional “cut, poison, burn” approach but eventually led her down a natural path to healing her body, her pain and suffering, and her buried emotions.

Valerie first stumbled upon Scott Kiloby at a workshop of his in Boulder, Colorado in 2012, which she says is one of the most transformative experiences she’s ever had. She is filled with gratitude for the person she has become through her journey with cancer recovery and with the Inquiries, which she describes as “coming home to myself.” She loves working with people who are ready for relief from their pain and suffering.

Julianne Eanniello is a Certified Trainer and Facilitator of both the Kiloby Inquiries and the Unfindability Inquiries (formerly called the Living Inquiries). She is also a Certified TRE Practitioner, and the developer of the somatic movement process called Natural Flow Movement. She works with clients all over the world on virtually any topic, including spiritual seeking, stress, anxiety, depression, pain and health related issues, traumatic experiences, repression, relationship issues, and general unhappiness with ourselves and our lives. She does this through online sessions, deepening courses, workshops and facilitator certification training.

About Julianne:

For most of my life I’ve wondered who I am and why I am here. As I was growing up, no one else seemed to be talking about these things, or even thinking about them, so I buried it deep inside and tried my best to fit in the way I was “supposed” to, all the while feeling like there was something desperately wrong with me and that I needed to fix it.

In my early thirties, the death of a young relative left me feeling hopeless and helpless, wondering what is the point of life if we’re all just going to die anyway? This launched me on a search. I didn’t even know what I was looking for, I just knew that there was a longing – a desperate longing for something that actually made sense about life. I learned several alternative spiritual and healing techniques. I meditated. I read books and watched videos. I eventually learned of non-duality teachings, and I read more books, watched more videos, and even sat with several ‘awakened’ teachers. Yet I was still searching, something still felt missing. I was looking for the key that would unlock the mystery of me and of life.

In my early forties, I developed a chronic health condition that left me unable to work for several years, and most days barely able to get out of bed due to extreme fatigue, brain fog and pain. I lost my banking job, and eventually lost my home. I saw a multitude of doctors to try to find out what was wrong with me, and used every tool in my metaphysical and alternative medicine toolkit to try to heal myself. My seeking became even more intense, and I was looking for a way to escape my pain.

In 2009, I met Scott Kiloby. Since I started working with him and doing the Living Inquiries, the seeking for enlightenment has stopped, and the question of ‘who am I’ is no longer relevant. My victim stories around my health started falling away. Once I started looking at my experience through inquiry, everything changed. I stopped chasing something ‘out there.’ I no longer seek some future state of happiness or peace. This is not to say that I don’t have problems, or ever experience pain. Quite the contrary. I still use the inquiries regularly, and now there is much less avoidance or resistance to what I’m experiencing. I experience more and more freedom in the present moment, exactly as it appears.

Having trained with Scott, I was one of the first to be certified as a Senior Living Inquiries Facilitator and Trainer in early 2012. In 2014, I moved to CA and became a business partner with Scott at The Kiloby Center for Recovery, where we worked with people suffering from addiction, anxiety, depression and more for the next 8 years.

I can’t imagine my life without these inquiries. They saved me from myself. If you are still suffering, searching, longing… I encourage you to give this a try.

As a young child I saw a picture of Jesus gazing lovingly at some children around his feet. I immediately longed for the unconditional love I saw in his gaze. At the same time, I was being read fairy tales, like Cinderella, and came to believe that romantic love would satisfy that longing for love.

So, I married my handsome prince at age 19. But then, by age 29, I found myself alone, as a single mother, with four young children. I was devastated and convinced that something was terribly wrong with me, to have ended up in such a predicament. 

I had learned to love and please others, but not how to love and respect myself. I was a “good girl,” and repressed my urges to have my own needs acknowledged and met. A wise teacher later told me, “We need to love everyone, including ourselves.” This was an amazing revelation for me!

Learning to meditate helped immensely to bring moments of peace, while I was sitting still, though I was still being triggered regularly in my relationships. Finally, the Kiloby Inquiries taught me how to turn my attention inside in daily life – towards the trapped thoughts and emotions I’d been running from – so that I could face and release them. It was like some tender, lost children began coming home, to take their rightful place in my inner world. 

I am honored and excited to be able to facilitate these wonderful inquiries for others.

Sumitra lives on the Hawaiian island of Kauai with some of her family. She has four grown children and six grandchildren. For many years she lived and worked in a yoga retreat community in California, and has taught yoga, meditation and Compassionate Communication in addition to facilitating the tools of the Kiloby Inquiries (since 2013).

Sumitra also loves working with couples and others with relationship challenges in a simple (though not always easy) deep listening practice that allows each person to be truly heard and acknowledged.

Alina is a certified KI facilitator & a founder of Presence Alchemy – An advance mindfulness platform dedicated to liberating suffering & limiting core beliefs through Kiloby Inquiries & non-dual awareness. Presence Alchemy was born eight years into Alina’s embodiment journey of an inner shift from ego to wakefulness. Alina works one-on-one with clients, hosts online intensives and training, and organizes local retreats & workshops.
Alec Rodrigues has been certified to facilitate inquiry since 2015 and brings a keen sense of intuition to his work. He believes that in connection, the deepest healing takes place, that the mirror of relationship is the best crucible for transformation. Through rest and inquiry, Alec has found the empowerment to meet others authentically and stop running so damn fast from the seeming “ordinariness” of life.

He currently lives in Washington state with his girlfriend and works as a training assistant for the KI Personal Mentorship Program, where he empowers enrollees by teaching them the KI tools.